The Truth About Parenting

The other day I heard about a controversial study that showed that people with children were less happy than those without and that the more children you have the more unhappy you will be.

I don't know about you, but I thought that this was the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. It made me want to cry, scream, and shout "YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY I AM!!!" But, before I got too riled up I thought why not go and read the article that this topic stemmed from and see for yourself what these statistics are all about. So I looked up the All Joy and No Fun New York magazine article on why parents hate parenting.

The first thing I found was that I was not alone in my response to this research. Daniel Gilber Harvard psychologist says "I’ve never met anyone who didn’t argue with me about this, even people who believe the data say they feel sorry for those for whom it’s true.” Yet these experts stand by their survey results. The next page begins with "So what, precisely, is going on here? Why is this finding duplicated over and over again despite the fact that most parents believe it to be wrong?" to which I am thinking "yeah really, tell me why."

There is an absolutely fascinating in depth theory on page 2 of this online article and I would encourage you to read it. In short, it appears that as our culture has changed and puts more and more emphasis on being successful in your studies and career it puts a lot of pressure on parents to view their children as a job in itself or as writer Jenifer Senior puts it "once college degrees became essential to getting ahead, children became not only a great expense but subjects to be sculpted, stimulated, instructed, groomed. Page 3 goes into the theory that the longer people wait to have children the more they are set in their ways and the bigger the adjustment is. I would agree with this theory, but might also add that this culture definitely struggles with a sense of entitlement and selfishness that could play a major role in why some of these parents are so discontent.

Page 4 touches on how one study that showed that "countries with stronger welfare systems produce more children—and happier parents". Then went on to suggest that if the government did more to provide for our children then we would have less to worry about and be better parents. This was a red flag for me, because I don't want the government raising my children or forcing me to do it a certain way. But that is another issue that I won't go into right now. On page 5 we look at the negative impact of children on a marriage. The exact opposite has been true in my life, although it definitely takes work to make sure you do have alone time with your spouse and that you keep the lines of communication open before and after you have kids.

The article concludes with the what happiness really means. Is it moment to moment or is it the big picture? Even though I disagree with the theory that children equate to misery. I don't want to sugar coat parenthood either. I remember a time when I had friends over and we were going to watch a movie, but I couldn't get Z to go to sleep. They were all out in the living room chatting, laughing, and waiting on me, the one with the kid. I was so upset about not getting him to lay down and how I felt like he ruined my evening. I think it's okay to admit those feelings, because sometimes it's tough, or maybe it's tough a lot. However, I think the reason I get riled up when I read something that says "why parents hate parenting" is because it puts me in a category that I don't belong in. I am a parent and I am extremely honored and grateful to be one. Unlike the people that were involved in this study I don't have a doctorate, I am not a journalist, or a philosopher so you'll have to excuse me when I say study shmudy. I only have 3 years of research, but these are some of my statistics and this is what happiness looks like to me...







and this is only the beginning.