10 Ways To Feel Loved and Adored By Your Spouse

Imagine your husband brings home a rare painting in an ornate frame and he wants to hang it up in the living room, but you can’t find any nails, or hooks so you try to put this heavy piece of art work on the wall with some double sided scotch tape. It is not going to work. Even if you put rolls and rolls of tape it might stick for a moment, but then it is going to fall off and you’ll be in worse shape then when you started because there may be damage to the painting.  

That’s how it is sometimes in marriage. Some women are made of rubber when it comes to receiving compliments and affection. We can blame our husbands all day long, and they probably deserve some of it, but like I tell my kids “you are responsible for yourself”.  There are a lot of husbands out there that are geniunly in love with their wives, but dare I say we aren’t feeling it. 

I started thinking about this yesterday when I talked about my marriage and said “What is this thing that I have, for various reasons, never really allowed myself to feel for the longest time? Then it occurred to me. I can feel his adoration. I have learned how to be adored and it feels good.”

I am not an expert on marriage in any way, and if this post were viral then everyone could tell me why I don’t know what I am talking about, but nonetheless, I have some advice for how to start feeling the love.

1. Quit dodging his compliments

JoAnne Summers (a pastors wife in Dallas Texas) shared at a women’s conference years ago that when responding to compliments you should try saying “That’s a nice thing to say”. My mom and I have joked about this for YEARS and we can’t say it now without bursting into laughter, but it has stuck with us. The point is, just take the compliment. Obviously “thank you” works too. Just keep it simple. If you want to resist a compliment for example:

I like your hair- “Are you kidding, there is so much humidity today, it's a disaster” or 
That soup was tasty-  “well, I probably shouldn’t have put so much salt in it.” 

Instead revert to these tried and true lines, "Thank you, that is really nice of you!" The end. 

2. Be quiet 

Since my daughter receive her cochlear implants I have had to have training in learning how to talk with her and encourage a response. Sometimes when teaching a young child or baby to speak we may repeatedly say “Mama... ma ma... say mama sweetie. Can you say ma ma?” All the while the child may be like, I would, but I don’t want to interrupt, you seem to be having a lot of fun. I was told this is a common mistake for parents with special needs children. You want to encourage them so badly that you flood them with language and forget to pause. A really nice long pause that is adequate enough for them to process and digest, and then potentially speak. Similary, women often have a tendency to talk a lot more then men and so maybe the reason you feel like you aren’t hearing what you need is that you aren’t giving him the chance to say it. 

3. Shoulder to Shoulder Contact 

A guy doesn't like to feel cornered into being emotional. Fishing for compliments isn't ideal either. One way of encouraging the opportunity to bring back that loving feeling is through shoulder to shoulder contact which is covered in the book “Love and Respect”. Women like to chat face to face, dudes are more into doing an activity like golf or video games side by side. When I heard this it really made sense for my relationship. Men are more likely to open up and share some of there feelings when they aren't on the spot. So I encourage you (and I) to try some shoulder to shoulder quality time together. 

3. Love Yourself

Maybe the love and adoration you aren’t feeling is really coming from yourself. I know as women we feel obligated to put ourselves at the bottom of the list and put all of our duties and obligations first, but the list is so long that you never get to the part where you get rest and are nurtured. It’s time to show yourself some love and you may feel instantly more “adorable”. 

4. Believe Him

When your husband tells you look nice, or that he is happy in your relationship, just believe him. Rule number one about excepting the compliment is just the first step. Kind of like fake til you make. The next step is to receive and believe the compliment. Easier said than done.

5. Know the truth

We all know how much the devil loves to beat us up and even more so how he loves to tear down a godly union. When you start doubting yourself as a wife, or your husband, or marriage turn your focus on God’s truth. There is a long list of references and truth verses here if you need some. 

6. Know your love language

  I think everyone is familiar with The 5 Love Languages by now. It is a must read. If you can figure out what makes you feel loved then you and your husband can work at gearing your activities and exchanges toward that thing. Also know what his love language is, because bless his heart he is probably trying to tell you he loves you in his own language.  When you realize that you can see just how much he has been loving you all along. All the little cleaning up he was doing that you felt was undermining your domestic role was really his way of loving you with an act of service (not that I would know anything about that). 

7. Be Yourself

Sometimes even full grown married women find themselves so desperate for affection that they try to put on an act. It’s never as appealing as the real you. If your funny be funny, if your quiet that’s cute, if your into sports cool, but if fashion is your thing, great. Being yourself is adorable.  

8. Don’t Be Deceived By Chocolate Covered Roses  

What does that mean?!? It doesn’t even make sense, and I guess that’s the point I am trying to make. We watch the bachelor or read Nicolas Sparks and think romance comes looking like a Ryan Gosling Hey Girl meme. It’s really just a bunch of gunk. Don’t hold your husband up to these unrealistic standards. I love what my blogger friend said to women about this “ Channing Tatum’s abs weren’t created to love you like Christ loves the church.” It makes me laugh, but it’s true. You may find yourself feeling more love and admiration when you stop limiting romance to chocolate and roses. 

9. Stop husband comparing!

 So Billy Bob writes poems for his wife every week and posts them on Facebook, whoop-de-doo! I have fallen into the husband comparison trap before because my husband is an introvert and I have compared him to the extraverts that just live for PDA which made me feel like my quiet husband was ashamed of me. So the man that would stand on a roof top and declare love for his bride is better than the man that actually lives it out behind closed doors? No. This is only one way we compare, yours may be different, but none of it’s good. So don’t do it! 

Alright, well, this turned into a self help book fast. Oopsie. I could drum up a list of things a man could do for his wife to let her know she is adored, but I don’t have that many men reading my blog so I can’t help you there. However, back to my analogy of the big painting representing your husband's love I just want you to get rid of the double sided tape. I don’t care if your husband comes home with a cheap little poster to hang up, I want you to get a drill and bolt that sucker to the wall, ya hear? 

Then just remember that no matter what, you really are adorable. I mean it.