Coping With Loss

"The only way through is through. As much as we crave short cuts or explanations or formulas, one day will end and another will begin, and it will be different until it isn't. Until it starts to slowly make sense, and we've found our balance." - Lisa Jo Baker

It's amazing how having a child diagnosed with a disability relates to so many other completely different life changing moments. The above quote is from the book Surprised By Motherhood, and she said it pertaining to becoming a mom. However, it struck a chord with me because I immediately saw how much truth was there for being a special needs mom. I also shared that same quote recently with a friend who was going through a completely unexpected divorce. It can apply to many scenarios. 

Most of us have at least one of those defining moments. The moment that separates your life into two categories; before diagnosis and after. If it's not diagnosis it might be before and after the loss of a loved one, a marriage, or your home. 

Something big enough to take you out of one life and put your into another. 

Or so it seems.  

It's also that one thing that imprints dates, ages, and places on your heart so that you can't go past them without tripping a wire. 

I read a book recently that says that we all have between 3-5 involuntary memories a day. Most of these stem from retrieval cues. 

 Psycholopedia defines a retrieval cue as "Stimuli that are used to bring a memory to consciousness or into behavior"

For me, this time of year is full of retrieval cues! That is why for the past couple years I spend a lot of this season revisiting the memories of when I learned that SJ was deaf. And that is why I would write blog posts like "The Anniversary" (2 years ago) or "That Emotional Time of year" (1 year ago). Because this part of the year is full of triggers for me. 

The first one is SJ's birthday. It's a significant date because in 2012 she turned two. I know I shared this all the time, but she had a well child visit that year 
which referred her to an ENT, 
which referred her to an audiologist, 
which determined that she was deaf. 

St. Patrick's day is also significant because that was the year she had a green eggs and ham party and we stocked up on all things green thanks to this Irish Holiday. When I see shamrocks in the stores I am reminded of that.

Easter is another one because that was at the "in between stage" when we didn't have test results yet, but we were starting to put the pieces together and realized that something was wrong. I remember having an Easter Egg Hunt at my Brother's house and my sister in law mentioned that she was trying to get SJ's attention and she banged on the slide, but no matter how loud it got SJ didn't respond at all. 

Last week when I saw signs going up along the road promoting Easter egg hunts my mind went back to a little two year old girl in a yellow dress and I remember wondering whether or not she could even hear my voice. 

I could go on and on. I am sure many of you have your own triggers, or as the official name puts it "retrieval cues"

Everyone has different ways of coping with loss, but for me sorting through the emotions through writing is helpful. I am the kind that needs to get it out.

 My mom is the same way. I think almost everyone benefits from talking through some of these major life milestones when they are ready.  After my little brother passed away there was a long stretch of time where my mom would gather up all the mementos of Zeb on the anniversary of his passing. Then should would grab a box of tissues and meet up with a friend to show them photos and talk about his battle with cancer. 

In Galatians 6:2 we are instructed to share each others burdens to fulfill the law of Christ, which I believe can  certainly apply to listening to someone as they process different stages of grief.

I don't care how long it's been since you dealt with that specific wound, whether it was recent or decades ago, sometimes things are pulled to the surface for whatever reason and you shouldn't feel bad if you need to revisit those memories. It may be comforting and other times maybe painful, but the fact is it's real. I once heard someone say in reference to grief "However you feel, is how you are supposed to feel". Obviously this isn't about emotions that are damaging to yourself or others, but sometimes we over think our emotions instead of just allowing them. 

I hope this message is an encouragement to you. If nothing else it brings more healing for me to write these words out. If you feel like any of this applies to you right now then I want to encourage you to find someone to talk to. Maybe it's a friend, a counselor, or someone you trust from church. Or maybe you are in the position to BE that person for someone else. The gift of a listening ear is invaluable  for the person that is struggling with loss at whatever stage that may be.

Even though there are no shortcuts, just remember you will get through this.