Month 4

Z asks "what kind of fruit is the baby now?" "An avocado" I answer. "WHAT?! An avocado? STILL???"

He may not feel like this whole pregnancy process is moving along fast enough, but I do. I'm 16 weeks pregnant. I can't believe I am almost to the half way mark. In a month we will have the big ultrasound. We have tossed around the idea of having the gender be surprise, but at this point I think we decided to go ahead and find out.

I really do love this stage of pregnancy. Even though my second trimester has not been void of vomit, I feel great most of the time and I love the way my body is changing.

I did a quick snapshot on Easter Sunday for my 4 month photo, but with as much as I love that dress it doesn't show much progress for my maternal silhouette. So I had J take some pictures on my phone the day of my haircut, but I felt like they still don't do my bump any justice.

 I'm wearing my own jeans in this photo. Ironically I can still fit into my skinny jeans because they are all low waisted and stretchy. Any of my other jeans do not fit and have been replaced with maternity! I found some Gap maternity jeans at a thrift store for $4 and the shirt from the above photo was also Gap maternity ($2). I think I bought out all of one woman's clothing donations that day. I say that because there was quite the selection on the maternity rack that were all my size, good brands, and great shape. SCORE! I also found this bib for 50 cents.

                                                  
It's from sew appealing, which is kind of like an etsy shop. It's the first item I've purchased for this baby. It's Dr. Seuss so I couldn't resist.

I know this stage won't last forever so I intend to enjoy it for now and hope that the second half of the pregnancy will go as smoothly as the first.

A Little Break

Anyone ready for a lighter note? I am. After weeks of letting the idea of SJ's hearing loss sink in I am finally beginning to feel a little more like myself again. My mom and I went off on our own this past Wednesday to have some quality girl time.

We started the morning with a coffee stop. Chai latte is my drink of choice during pregnancy because it's less caffeine. After that, my mom treated me to a hair cut and style. For those that know how cheap I am, a professional haircut, even if it is by a Paul Mitchell student, is a real treat. I got bangs... again.The last time I had official bangs was 2 and a half years ago when I was pregnant with SJ so it must be a pregnancy thing. It's like a bangs craving. I had pinned this Reese Witherspoon picture last month and printed it out for the stylist.

So far I've been very happy with the results.

After the haircut we had a nice girly lunch.

Vegetable sandwich with a side of tabouleh for me. Don't worry, I had a french silk pie blizzard at the mall later. I would hate to be too healthy.

We went to a very nice consignment shop after lunch, where I found a dress for a rehearsal dinner I have coming up

and my mom got some white shorts to wear for Key West trip they were about to take.

Lastly, on the way into the mall we saw a Canadian goose that looked like it had built a nest in a little median of the parking lot. Someone had left a bowl of water for this urban mother goose which was awfully thoughtful. Then when we were leaving the goose was standing up and we could see a couple little baby goslings. Oh, it was adorable!

It's nice to be able to just ramble about what I am doing with my hair, what I had for lunch, or where I went shopping. As women sometimes we need to be able to talk about the fluff. Because even though it might not seem like it matters, it's really important to get to talk about things that really aren't "important" at all.

Awaiting the ABR

On Friday I learned that the test that SJ will be having is called the ABR screening, which stands for auditory brainstem response. From what I have researched they will be placing electrodes on SJ's head and earbuds in her ears. Sounds will then be transmitted at different levels to determine how the brain reacts to the variety of frequencies. This test is especially crucial for children under 3 since behavioral test are just not dependable at this age, however the conclusion of both tests should support each other in order to be considered accurate. So we have one test (the Visual Reinforcement Audiometry) that shows SJ cannot hear and test number 2 will either confirm this to be true, or prove that she is a finicky toddler that wants to make us all go insane.

I admit to having repeatedly reviewed what I think all of the possible outcomes of this screening will be. They roll through my mind like a mental dress rehearsal, except for they are far more nerve racking than some piddly school play.

In the first scenario they tell me they detected virtually no hearing loss at all. You might be thinking that I would respond by jumping up and down, or letting out a sigh of relief, but this is not the case. If her hearing is not the problem then it just means we have to pursue other avenues for early intervention. Before now it was just a tiny little concern about delayed speech, but with the newfound lack of responsiveness we realize it's bigger than that.

Another scene that plays out in my mind is one where I learn that she has "x amount" of hearing loss, but will function and develop just fine with some minor interventions.

The final possibility is that they tell us that our daughter has severe hearing loss and we begin the life long journey of how to enable her to succeed to the fullest despite any diagnosed disabilities.

So those are the three options in my mind, but the reality is that there are probably countless combinations of outcomes, and no matter how much I practice my reactions I don't really know how to prepare for this at all.

From the moment I wake up until I drift to sleep it's in the forefront of my mind, but so is my marriage, so is my relationship with God, my pregnancy, and my two incredible children that don't even realize that we are waiting for any diagnosis. I know that life is still going. My challenge for the next month* while awaiting this test, is to fight against my one track mind. I commit to trying to live in the midst of all of the uncertainty, not to ignore or deny it, but just to adapt to my current situation. Maybe I need to feel inadequate right now in order to be reminded of my dependance on the God that is in control of all of this. I know I am not big enough, I am just not, but He is and I am counting on that.

* It's a long story, but somehow the May 4th testing was scheduled to be non sedated. They were going to see how she does and if it doesn't go well then we have to start back at square one! I know she will more than likely NOT cooperate while they attach things all over her head and ask her to lay still for a couple hours. She is barely two! This was unacceptable to me. The best I could do (along with help from the wonderful surgery coordinator from the ENT office) was to schedule a back up test for May 10th where they give her anesthesia. This is better than waiting until June or longer. Anyway, that's the latest.

Nothing has Changed, but EVERYTHING is different

April 12, 2012

It felt like the longest week of my life and the rest of April will probably not be much better. My ongoing inner dialogue is like a ping pong game going back and forth on exactly how to cope and if I even need to. I think I am ready to share this now.

Originally written on Thursday April 4, 2012

SJ went to the ENT specialist today and had her hearing checked per her doctors referral. I knew that this was a routine procedure for delayed speech. It was #8 on my list of things to do today. Simple as that.

From the moment I walked in the questions poured out- Does she have frequent ear infections? Is there a history of hearing problems in your family? Did she have a hearing screening as a newborn? When I answered no to all of the nurses concerning questions she asked, "So do you think that she has a hearing problem?" I answered quickly and calmly "No. No, not at all. We are just here to rule that out before moving onto some kind of therapy." Everything was great and they guided us into the little booth where they did some behavioral tests, like checking if the child responded to toys and lights along with various levels of sound that would come from the left or right. She was extremely cooperative and responded great to the visuals, but did not react or move, or look for the sound at all. Not even when it was as loud as feed back coming through an amplifier. It was a little disheartening, but I didn't think too much of it. Maybe she was just distracted by the flashing toys?

The Doctor did a Tympanometry test, which is where you insert little ear buds to check and see if there is any interference to the eardrum, like fluid or wax. She did have a minor ear infection, but not enough to cause her to completely fail the hearing exam. The doctors and nurses were concerned, to say the least. They asked more questions and told me the results were not looking good, and it would be critical to send her to a more specialized facility for sedated testing. In fact the Doctor walked me to an office where he asked the surgery coordinator to get a pediatric audiologist referral as soon as she could because this little girl here has severe hearing loss. And when the lady made the phone calls that is what she classified her as, "a two year old with severe hearing loss". I sat there in complete denial thinking this is not happening to me. I have a little boy that is severely far sighted that has amblopia and strabismus, it doesn't make sense for me to have another child with an impairment. Somehow this was logical in my mind.

It was also logical for me to think that the doctors are overreacting and the results of the test were not conclusive enough to label my child. Further testing is definitely in order, and a welcome relief for sure, but I just am not convinced that SJ is deaf. J and I have talked a lot, and even though I don't believe SJ has a serious loss of hearing, I can't stop all the what if's from swimming around in my head. I still have to wait to hear back from the surgery coordinator about when and where she will go next. I am supposed to find this out tomorrow, and hopefully she will be seen in the next week or maybe two.

April 12, 2012

Since then I found out that we have to wait until May 4 for the testing. So basically a month of knowing something is wrong, but not knowing what it is or what to do about it.

Unfortunately, my initial shock and denial has subsided and we have seen A LOT more red flags. SJ functions and fits in so well that I never even considered she could be hard of hearing, but since the test a week ago its been like looking through a completely different lens and we've all noticed there is a lot that isn't right. SJ just doesn't seem to respond to voices, words, or sounds at all. It's a very complex situation and my instinct as a mom feels like she could hear at birth and has experienced hearing loss in the past two years. It just feels like her speech and responses have regressed, but I can't prove that. Waiting is so difficult.

In the mean time, we recognize that there is a problem and are willing to do whatever it takes to help our child whether that means hearing tests, therapy, surgery, or just good old fashioned parenting. Since SJ can't talk right now and she obviously isn't responding to verbal queues we are going to take her sign language to the next level. Before we even knew about this possible hearing loss she could say please, more, milk, all done and sometimes eat (if you remind her of the sign).

I know even with this lengthy post I am only on touching on a portion of the details, so feel free to ask questions, or give any advice you have, or even share your own experience. I've thought about keeping this matter private until we know more, but I am no good at putting on a face, so this it. This is my experience raw and true no matter what the test results show next month. I am blessed to have a strong family and community to support J and I as we walk through this. Thank God. Despite what a nervous wreck I am, I know everything is going to be okay.

Christmas at Easter?

This year's Easter celebration was unforgettable. Our Pastor has been doing a series on giving, and since we give gifts to each other on Christmas he thought Easter would be an appropriate time to give gifts to Jesus. There was a cross set up in the sanctuary and everyone young and old was encouraged to bring a special present to place at the alter.

I was excited about this opportunity, so last week I printed out an Easter coloring sheet for the kids and we talked about the true meaning of Easter.

We also decorated our gift boxes. J and I cut words out of magazine to make a collage of things we are thankful for because of Christ's sacrifice.

The kids decorated their box with stickers and filled it with their coloring sheet and some money they had collected.

Z was so excited about his little box and I was proud to watch him follow his dad up to the front of the church to lay their gifts at the foot of the cross. I thought a lot about this gesture and why we would even take the time to decorate and wrap an offering for the supreme Almighty God. I told the kids we were making gifts to give to Jesus at Easter, but I knew Jesus probably wasn't actually going to be unwrapping any presents that day. So what was the point? Then I thought back to a question I asked my dad when I was a little girl. I said "Dad, if God can hear all of our thoughts then why do we pray out loud?" and without hesitation he said "Because it increases our faith". I was probably 7 years old at the time and I will never forget that. So, even though it's probably a group of deacons that are opening these "presents" and looking my kids art work, I believe that it blesses the Father's heart, and at the same time allows us to exercise our faith.

It was also a wonderful opportunity to teach the kids that Easter is not all about bunnies and eggs, but it's really about the resurrection and salvation, which is by far the greatest gift of all.

2nd Trimester!

I have a confession to make. Several weeks ago I did a post called "Vintage Shopping In Louisville" and I posted these goofy pictures.

The reason I am holding up my fingers like that is because these were intended to be maternity photos. I had the idea to do a photo a month which is not uncommon, but I wanted each month to be represented in the photo by the colors or scenery. For example the first month of pregnancy was in January. Brrrr.

The second month was February, so I had my sweetheart take this photo on Valentine's day.

The third month was March, which was SJ's green egg's and ham party and St. Patrick's day. This was also the first month you can start to see a little bump in the making.

I wish I had a photo of what I look like now. In certain clothes I don't look preggo whatsoever, but when I wear my comfy tshirts you can see them stretch just below the belly button where they normally would lay flat. Or at the end of the day between bloating and good eatin' I can look like I'm six months along. Now that I am in my second trimester, and should start gaining a pound or two a week, I am ready to pull out the maternity clothes.

I'm excited about the 2nd trimester. The first one has really flown by. In the past three months we had a surprise positive test, our first sonogram, the announcement, the first time hearing the heart beat and it's been such an amazing experience. It hasn't all been stress free, but my pregnancy hormones have been acting like happy endorphins. I can get moody (and have some stories to prove it) but for the most part I feel about as cheerful as Buddy the Elf.

Maybe I am just making up for this past Christmas when I compared myself to Ebeneezer Scrooge or the Grinch. It feels good to feel good.

Big Blue Nation

Today we head to Louisville, home of the University of Kentucky wildcats, but the NCAA team will not be there because, if you follow the March Madness mayhem at all, you know that UK is in New Orleans getting ready to face off against KU for the men's basketball championship game. Pretty much everyone (including my husband's bracket) say that Kentucky is a shoe in for the national title. I have been informed by various family members that I have to root for UK since I now live in Kentucky, the big blue nation, but I was rooting against them just last week when they played UofL in the final four, and since I am a big Louisville lover I pulled for the underdogs. In the end Louisville did lose of course, but not without a fight.

People here (in Kentucky) are CRAZY basketball fanatics. They don't have an NBA team, but college ball is HUGE and this UK stuff is serious business. I mean SERIOUS business. They had water baptism at our church yesterday and couple of the participants were dunked in their wildcats attire. In this past month I couldn't help but get swept up in some of the hype, which has been a lot of fun actually, and next year I plan on getting in on the competition with a bracket of my own. We'll see how it all goes down tonight.

Whew. That was a lot of sports talk for my little mom blog, especially coming from someone who had never watched a game of college ball in my life, but let it be known that if UK does win, my baby will be born in a city of champions, Wildcats territory, Lexington Kentucky. I'm actually about to take off to go to our 2nd appointment with the midwife. Thanks for listening to me ramble about sports, I assure you it is short lived. After the game tonight you probably won't hear me mention basketball again unless it is referencing the size of my belly in a few more months.