The Key is in the Space

As if I haven’t recommended enough nonfiction self help books let me give you one more. I’ve shared it before and it is a must-read, favorite of mine. Hamlet’sBlackberry: A practical Philosophy for building a good life in the digital age by William Powers is so helpful in finding  balance to all the hyper connectivity of the era we live in. Although I am not really talking about technology in this series, I do want to hone in on a thought that stuck with me from the book. Powers is not against techonolgy at all, but he says what makes it work for and not against us is when we have some spaces inbetween the screen time. Powers says the trouble comes when "We don't have any gaps, any breaks in which to make sense of it; do something new, creative with it; enjoy it," The same notion applies to how we interact with our children. They need that space too.We all need space! Can I get an amen? 

Some space comes in the form of subtle pauses. Let me give an example by sharing a very personal video that some of you have already seen. The video has actually been shared in professional circles for use in conferences and teachings for people that work with the deaf and cochlear implant recipients. After my daughter had her first cochlear implant surgery I was prompting her to speak. Keep in mind she had never said anything before so to see her respond to any auditory stimuli was a huge breakthrough.

What her therapist and Otolarngoly team loved about this video was the connection that took place in the pauses where she was given opportunity to respond. If for some reason you can’t see the video it’s very simple. I show her a Woody cowboy doll and say Boot, b-b-b and then after about 5 seconds she says Buh. I am not trying to brag about how awesome I am at speech therapy, because they just happened to catch a glimpse of a very touching moment. The point is if you go through speech therapy with your child you will learn that as important as it is to narrate everything, and give them tons of modeling, prompting, and auditory training. What is equally as important is that you pause. It’s in that space that they can chew on it, process it, and have a chance to respond to it.

This is similar to what I shared about keeping it short and simple, but it’s not just about what you say, but also the spaces where you don't say anything at all. These pauses give children a chance to really think and evaluate.

Sometimes the space is for our benefit. Yesterday my husband caught our daredevil son getting into a dangerous situation. My husband looked at me because I guess I am the expert now that I am writing a 31 day series and he asked me what an appropriate consequence would be. Both of them are now staring at me, waiting for a response and my mind is reeling with logical consequences and  oneliners and I can't even think straight! My life line came when I remembered this part of Love and Logic:

 Don’t feel like you have to hurry into an immediate reaction. Give yourself time when coming up with a consequence and just let the child know that it’s sad and you are going to care of it later. 

So that is what I did and then my husband addressed it shortly after, and for the record he was the one that came up with a solution.

Sometimes giving a child space means timeout, or it could be a chance to be alone in their room. Or could be slowing down your words, or sitting in silence together.

I know we live in a very fast past world where we aren’t used to slowing down and taking a breath, but we need to. We need to with God (Proverbs 46:10 for example) and we need to with our children. It’s amazing what can happen if you make some space for it.

This is day 17 of a 31 day series. For more Teachable Parenting click HERE.