Monday, February 2, 2015

How To Never Offend Anyone


I feel like I have seen it all when it comes to online links touting things you should never say.

What not to say to a mother of twins

What not to say to a single mom

What not to say to a parent that has adopted

What not to say to a person with an eating disorder

What not to say to a person with an unusual birthmark

The last one I made up, but the rest are real, and I could go on and on.  The more of these taboo comments that I came across, the more I became fearful of hurting someone's feelings. I recently saw one that should have been right up my alley titled 10 Things You Should Not Say to Moms With Multiple Children

The picture that goes along with the post is a mom with three children and a grocery cart. Hey, that's me! I go to the grocery store with three children far too often. I like to joke that I am in my 30's, but I can still turn heads. The punch line is that I turn a lot of heads with the way my kids behave when we are out in public. I have had at least 100 strangers tell me that I have my hands full. It's true though. My hands are usually literally carrying things and figuratively juggling things.

"You have your hands full" is just one of the things the article considered "tactless commentary from intrusive strangers". Another statement you are not supposed to say to me or other moms is "lots of helpers" along with "Enjoy these days. They grow up so Fast." And last on the list is “the silent stare”. If you read the article it explains why you should not say/do these things, and I get where the idea comes from because I know it feels redundant when you are on the receiving end. I have even vented about the cliché statements before. 

So I came up with this idea. Instead of having all of these “things you should never say” lists to sift through online. I have decided to just sum it all up into one nice little politically correct paragraph.

 If you find yourself in an environment that is also occupied by a mother with children, or a person with a disability, or someone who has experienced tragedy, or is breathing, then you shouldn't say anything, unless it is from an approved list of one liners preferably customized by each individual that would be receiving the comment. And be especially careful of how you look at said individual. Don’t look for too long to imply staring, or too short to suggest that you don’t enjoy seeing them. In fact I would avoid looking at them at all. Then again that could be the same as ignoring them, which could be considered offensive too. Instead you might want to try not being around people. Ever. 

I'm being sarcastic of course. Hopefully you can see where I am going with this. I understand why lists like this are such a hit. Some of them truly do raise awareness about certain misconceptions. However, more often than not we just want people to know what to say to us because we are insecure, tired, hurt, or fill in the blank. I even considered doing my own list of "What to say when you see a child with a disability" because my daughter is deaf and has cochlear implants. It's kind of hard to miss and I can tell that some people feel awkward around us at times. The problem with my list is that I would encourage people to talk with me openly about their thoughts and curiosities. I love answering questions and educating people on what the cochlear implant is all about! However, I have lots of friends who are parents of deaf children and some of them do not like talking about it. Or sometimes it depends on the day! So there is no list of do's and don'ts because there aren't just "Parents of Deaf Children"-period. It's more complex than that.

Similarly there aren't just pregnant ladies, or women who have had c-sections, or biracial couples, or introverts, or working moms. There are just people! Individual people. 

Sure we all belong to certain groups and stereotypes, but that does not define us. We are way too complicated to be narrowed down to a list of appropriate conversations. We are all people that will offend other people and will be offended by other people. On the bright side we are also diverse people that get to learn from one another. We get to share space and have community together. We engage. We form opinions. We form relationships and even friendships!  

I hate the thought that people would stop interacting out of fear of offending. Sure, there are going to be some jerks out there that say ignorant things, but isn't there a Taylor Swift song about that? Shake it off, right? Because at one point or another, you will be offended. It's happened to me. There are also comments that I just could have done without. For example when I was pregnant with a girl after I already had a boy I would have thought the whole world joined together to celebrate the fact that this meant I was done having children. Which, obviously didn't stop me. Still, at the end of the day, I would rather be annoyed on occasion than disconnected for life


15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Bravo. I couldn't agree more. Political correctness has really had a long and healthy amount of time in the spotlight and can we now return to our regular scheduled programming?

I feel like if we weren't so afraid to interact, we'd have more community and conversations.

Soooo...are you interested in reading my next post? What not to say to an Asian American? Hahahahaa.

Susan said...

Oh my, give this woman a bullhorn and a podium for the whole world to hear. GREAT POST. And, I absolutely LOVED your PC paragraph - hysterically funny (to me). So much truth in this editorial.

Jennifer Pepito said...

Great post!

Lindsay said...

I think a lot people, and myself included from time to time, take things way too seriously and not with a grain of salt.

For me personally, my agenda is not to offend or hurt anyone's feelings but in the same respect, I'm not going to hold back who I am and not say what I'm thinking or what I feel. It's my opinion and mine alone.

Great post :)

Anonymous said...

Love your last line - being connected can be painful!

Unknown said...

I like this. I think people find little kids and their antics either really cute or annoying. That's basically how I feel about mine too. If they annoy me, I'm sure they annoy perfect strangers. I'm too busy trying to get the heck outta the store without ten boxes of sugar cereal contraband. I don't even notice people looking anymore!

~Karrilee~ from Abiding Love, Abounding Grace said...

I speak Sarcasm fluently... when done 'correctly' - it's one of my love languages! LOL! GREAT post!

Jessica @ Barefoot by the Sea said...

Such a great post and conversation to start! Personally, when people have given me the ol silent stare - I give it right back, but from now on I will think of your post and chuckle to myself. You nailed it!

Why Girls Are Weird said...

I mean, there's political correctness because it's the right thing to do and then there's political correctness that's ridiculous. It's kind of a fine line these days.

Zion said...

April, that is HILARIOUS. I know all about sugar cereal contraband.

Thanks for all the feedback everyone. I had soooo many things to say that I did not include because it's a blog post not a book! I am glad you all get it though. I didn't want to imply that words don't matter, but it's like I said to someone on Facebook in regards to this post it's really about the condition of the heart. There are some people who say horrible, awful things that no one should EVER say to ANYBODY, but those are not the people who are reading blogs and learning how to behave via the internet! Their hearts need to change before they are ever going to change their words.

Unknown said...

Great post. I try to take people's comments as positive ones, but I don't have the friendliest vibe so I think most people are afraid of me and I don't get a lot of comments. But I love the simple smiles from people who seem to say I know what you are going through and keep it up. Maybe that is why they say "Say it with a smile." :)

Melissa said...

I'm just impressed you've actually heard of Taylor Swift, not to mention you know the name of one of her songs:).

{amy} said...

I guess I won't hit "publish" on my "What not to say to a guy in an eyepatch" post...j/k! I've been afraid of offending someone after reading those posts. I hope people who know me know that I wouldn't intentionally offend, and I usually just tell strangers that their kids are cute and don't comment on the amount of them or the birthmark! ;)

Seriously, though, a girl went up to Chris last night and said, "I've always wanted to meet a pirate!" Then she stood there awkwardly...

Jenn said...

I adore this post, and I'm also glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read the comments - Amy's above me made me snort.
No idea how this post isn't viral yet, Natalie, but it's great! Sharing it on my FB page. :)
God bless!

Unknown said...

This is hilarious and oh so true! Thank you so much for sharing this with the Grace & Truth link-up!