Pain

 I had a very happy Christmas post written and scheduled to be published, but I just haven't felt like it would be appropriate yesterday or today in this time of grieving. I have been so broken over the tragic school shooting that took place in Connecticut. I know everyone is, and I don't feel in any way obligated to comment, but I can't NOT say anything. Maybe this is just for me, but I want to express my deep sorrow. I want to tell the families that I am praying and that we are all hurting with them.

On September eleventh of 2001 I woke up and turned on the little square TV in our tiny apartment. I changed the channel because there was an action movie about the destruction of New York city, or the end of the world, or something. I wasn't interested and I changed the channel. The same "movie" was on every channel and it was really happening. 9/11 was terrifying. It meant that our country was at war. It affected me personally, not because I knew anyone in the twin towers, but my brother had been in England and was actually on his way home the time of the attack. His plane safely rerouted to Newfoundland and he had to spend a week in Canada before they allowed people back into the country. 9/11 was big and scary. It meant we had to come together because a group of terrorist were attacking our nation.

This Connecticut school shooting is different. It's on a smaller scale and maybe that should make it better, but in some ways it's worse. It seems more personal. More intimate. It wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a sick young man that claimed the lives of the innocent and he's dead now. How do we cope with that!? There is nothing to fight for. No justice can be served here on earth. Granted there are plenty of people fighting and blaming each other in the middle of it all, but I have been processing it differently than them. I see a tragedy that could have just as easily happened to anyone of us. I know this going to sound like it's coming from left field, but I don't see myself as exempt anymore. I never ever thought I would have a deaf child, but I do. I used to think there would never be an act of violence against my family or community because we don't live in a rough area, but Newtown Connecticut is about as safe as they come. I am not saying this because now I live in fear. What I am saying is that I don't feel as distant as I might have previously.

 This event has shaken our country and I want to shake my fists and say We are stronger than this! You can't get the best of us! and that might have worked on 9/11, but not now. There is no Bin Laden to capture this time. This time I just feel sorrow. It really hurts. It's so painful and I want to ignore it because it's Christmas, but I THANK GOD that it cannot be ignored. I am so extremely grateful for the pain, because it means we can still feel. I don't want to be around for the day that we see so much violence that we don't even feel anymore.

I know we will all move on and that's good and healthy, but I guess this is my way of sharing my condolences. The Christmas blog post can wait.