Saturday, October 11, 2014

What To Do When They Really Push Your Buttons



I know the Keep Calm memes got old a while ago, but it really does apply here! 

We've discussed loving responses for mistakes and emotional outbursts. We also talked about how empathy is so much more effective than anger when disciplining a child. Today I am going to touch on how and why you should keep calm when your children are really pushing your buttons.

My children love to push buttons! I mean that in all kinds of ways. They could have a knock-down drag-out fight about who gets to hit the up or down when we get to an elevator. It never fails I find  the hazard lights on in my car after they have a chance to jump in the front seat (how could they resist? It is a big red button). Beyond that they know what makes me tick and they know how to push my buttons on an emotional level. Why is that? Well, when a child knows how to push your buttons they watch you loose control and it makes them feel like they have control. Disrespect is usually a big weapon in their arsenal. When they push that button the power is in their court. What do you do now?

One of the number one strategies that I have taken from reading Love and Logic and Loving Our Kids on Purpose is this;

I have to show my kids that handling them is a breeze. I can take anything they throw at me without breaking a sweat. I can do this by replacing anger and frustration with assertive yet kind actions.

Although it’s not always that simple, it certainly is an inspirational model of power  that omits the usage of fear, threats, and intimidation as the motivating factor!

There will be power struggles and what I’ve learned through this Teachable Parenting method is that the way to avoid the struggle is to suggest that you are not intimidated by the child’s tantrum or defiance.  You don’t have to puff out your chest, shake your finger, and yell, (or growl, I've tried growling). You just have to be an example of steadfast self control, and then follow through with the appropriate consequence. So on one hand you have parenting that demands control by proving that you are superior and can overpower your children. On the other hand you have Teachable Parenting which gains control by exhibiting self control in the midst of your children.  So it is great that I am writing this because I can have hundreds of people hold me accountable for the countless times I do not practice what I preach. 

Since reading these books I often hear a voice in my head say "show them that handling them is a breeze" because I want to be a source of strength that they can turn to even when they are at their worst. And I want  them to know that no matter what they do, even if they break my heart, I’m still their mom and I will always love them. So in those moments of disrespect the best thing you can do is break that cycle and instead of taking the bait try turning the gears of honor in it’s place. As Danny Silk  says in Loving Our Kids on Purpose

“The ability to manage your children and yourself toward the goals that you have in being a parent rests in the ability to tell yourself what to do and do it no matter what they’ve done or are doing. Can you manage you no matter what your kids are doing? Just as God is able to say to us, we want to be able to say to our kids, “I will be a loving and respectful parent no matter what you do.”

The thing about the New Covenant model is that it has to be true for us. The model of Christ in our lives has to be real and it has to sink in. Do you believe it? Do you believe that God is a loving God that is there for you no matter what? I keep referencing 2 timothy 1:7. Do you believe that the spirit of fear isn’t in you, but one of power, love, and a sound mind. Do you believe that Jesus paid the price and he is ready to handle anything that you throw at him  (1 John 2:2 ). Or That nothing can separate you from him (Romans 8:37-39)  and He wants you to draw near to him even, in your darkest time (Hebrew 10:19)? Because when you really begin to know God and trust him in every area he changes you from the inside out. I want my children to know these Biblical truths.

Just remember, God is not intimidated by you or your disrespectful child. He has equipped you as a parent and you can do this! 


This is day 11 of a 31 day series. For the rest of Teachable Parenting click HERE
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1 comment:

blestbutstrest said...

dIt's tough being a parent of little ones, that's for sure! Alone with the 'keep calm' and don't let them push your buttons theory, I have a corollary theory--the do-over ;). For those times when my buttons get pushed and I speak with annoyance or impatience or even anger, I ask my kids to forgive me and then I ask for a do-over.